Going to the doctor's was definitely what I needed. I can feel the difference already. There have been 2 other times that I've needed help through some rough emotional times and I'm glad I got it. It just takes me a while to finally admit I can't keep going on my own. Heck, it takes me a while to even realize I'm carrying a bigger load than I can carry. Sometimes I feel like a frog in a pan of water who is slowly boiled to death and doesn't even realize it. I can be giving out so much and not realize how empty I am until something crashes.

Maybe I can get better at recognizing the burden before I crash under the load.

First step is admitting the problem

I'm going to the doctor's today to talk about getting back on anti-depressants. I haven't been on them in a long time but I've reached a place where my emotions are over-running my thinking.

I've had to admit that I've got things on my plate that I just can't emotionally handle in a healthy way without help. It's really hitting me that it's my last year to work with jr hi kids. Each event is my last and it hurts. I don't regret my decision for a minute but I know I have to grieve so that there is no place for bitterness to take root.

I'm grieving G'ma's death. And when I felt that that relationship was being taken from me, I was shocked at the depth of pain I felt. I have to admit that I still hurt that there was so much rejection in my life growing up. In spite of being surrounded by people who love me, I grieve what I never had. And it's all bubbled up to the surface with G'ma's death.

I've done all the right things. I've chosen to get better, not bitter. I KNOW that God is my heavenly Father and I know with all my heart that He loves and accepts me. I know I have friends and family who love me. But my emotions are crashing over me like waves pounding on the shore and I can't seem to move away fast enough before another one hits me.

So I'm going to talk to the doc today. I know this is a season and I just need help walking through it.

In spite of how much God's done in my life, sometimes I struggle with jealousy because my growing up was so hard and because there are still ripples that hurt and that I still have to deal with.

All I can do is lay on my face before God and weep and let Him hold me in His arms and give me the strength to let go once again so that I can make right choices in the here and now.

Brave or Dumb?

I did something today I never thought I'd do. Kylene was my inspiration. She has wondered about family that I have that I've never met. She got me wondering again.

So today, I found a family member on MySpace. And I sent a short message. I was kind but gave an out if no contact is desired. And I didn't go into a lot of detail in case the person doesn't know I even exist.

So, there it is... now I'm left wondering if this person will contact me..... argh... I can't decide if I was brave or dumb.

FYI

I'm going to stop using this blog as a blog. I actually have more control over who reads my blogs over at MySpace. This will only be open so I have the ability to post to another blogger's site.

I just feel like I need to emotionally circle the wagons around me right now.

I'm at http://www.myspace.com/ruthless102 But only approved friends can read my blogs. Feel free to request to be my friend. (that doesn't sound right, but it's the correct lingo!)