We Gain Some, We lose Some and life goes on.

I've been pondering some wise words from a friend.  I think I will ponder them better here.

Here are her wise words:  Growing older is a series of losses.

Let's back up a little here.  When we start out in life, we're like a blank chalkboard.  We have everything to gain in front of us.  We gain language, mobility, we gain people who love us, we gain laughter and joy.  We gain friends, experiences that will begin to shape who we are becoming.  We begin to gain interaction, and education.  We being to gain friends and relationships.

At the first part of our life, everything is new and fresh and exciting.  Each stage brings something new and exciting.  As we get older the next stages bring the excitement of adulthood.  We experience college, future spouses, marriages, careers, children, homes, etc, etc as we enter real adulthood.

The next stage are our peak years.  We have the most energy to accomplish the most things and we can juggle more things in our lives that we ever thought possible.   It's exhilarating for a long time.  It's like making to the top of the mountain after a long, hard climb.  It feels good.  We feel proud, fulfilled, content.

The kids are out on their own and we feel like we can finally breathe.  And then, after a half a lifetime of gains, we begin to see some losses.  It feels as though our bodies' warranties ran out when we hit 50.  

You know those body organs you can life without?  Mine lost their warranties and had to be discarded.. So I lost my...appendix...tonsils....gall bladder....female parts.... I don't feel as strong as I used to feel. 

I'm losing my quick memory.  Words and names don't come as quickly as they used to.  It frustrates me because I never had to struggle before with those things.  I have to ask for help to remember something.  It's humbling because I had been competently independent for many years.

I can't remember our conversation last night, but I can pull stories out of my brain from my childhood so easily.  The grandkids are asking for stories and I can do that with so much clarity that it's a little disconcerting.

I'm having to learn to adapt to some losses.  My eyesight has taken a bad turn and I am having to relearn a new normal in my vision.  For the first time in over 30 years, I am scared driving at night because of the loss of vision.  I'm not in control and can't fix it and losing feelings of confidence is another loss.

I think I can handle some of these losses when they feel within my control.  But I am learning that these losses are now involving losing friends.   In the last couple years, I have lost more family and friends than ever before in my life.  When I was younger, it was almost always someone older who died.  Now those 'someone older' deaths are my friends, my peers (I'm a someone older now too)  I think I'd always hoped we'd just grow up, enjoy life and start dying off later, much later.  And it would be
 nice if it was pretty much close together, like at the same time. (just an idea)  I desperately miss my friends who have died.  I don't think I will ever get used to this.

However, losses don't follow a schedule.  We lose a loved one and at our age, it's inevitable that we'll lose another loved one....repeat way too often from now on.

Losses come in other forms.  Job layoff is a big loss when it changes your whole lifestyle.  When this happened to us, we realized that we'd also lost that sense of adventure that would've had us moving at the drop of a hat and starting a new life over.  But we've lost that.  Our roots are here and we choose instead to readjust our lives here.  

We've lost dreams that we always thought would happen one day.  Trips to visit people who have now died have had to be set aside and given some time to grieve that loss.

It's difficult to shift thinking from embracing all life has to offer and then realizing that things are changing and you're not in control of those changes.

I know that I have the choice how to respond.  I wasn't expecting the losses and changes throw me into emotional chaos so that I don't know how to repsond.

On this 'losing' side of the journey, I am in the midst of learning how to respond.  How to keep peace and hope at the forefront.  I'm learning to look for things to make me happy regardless what is consuming me emotionally.

I'm trying to accept my new normal instead of wishing I was somewhere else from 20 years ago.  I don't know how I will do or what's going to happen.

I'm clinging to God every step of the way.  And I'm looking for the person in charge of putting out signs along the way....."Changes ahead!"....."Bladder control does not work on this side of the journey"...."Yield to aches and pains"...

I think the ageless Cat In The Hat has a poem that says it well:

What are the odds.....putting a new face on fear

I am tired of being swayed by fear. I hesitate to do things because of fear.  It's as though fear has become a habit that happens first when life is played out.  I want to put a new face on my fears.

Before I can do that, I have to put my fears in perspective.

For example, the odds of having my identity stolen are 200 to 1.  That means that I have 1 chance in 200 of someone stealing my identity.  Somehow, I have come to see most statistics from the perspective of the biggest fear.  I tend to think, 'oh no, I have a 200 to 1 chance of this, how horrible' instead of realizing that 1 out of 200 really isn't that big a risk.

Did you know that the odds of striking it rich on Antiques Roadshow are 60,000 to 1?  I actually have a better chance at bowling a 300 game because those odds are only 11,500 to 1.

My chances of getting the flu this year are 1 in 10.  But that also means my chances of NOT getting the flu are 9 in 10.

My chances of finding out my child is a genius are 1 out of 250.  (oops, wait, I beat those odds 3 times....nevermind..)  ;^)

My chance of dying from a shark attack is 1 out of 300,000,000!  However, if you've ever seen Jaws, chances are good that you wonder if it's really safe to swim in the ocean.

I understand that I need to be careful even if the odds are in my favor.  It's not caution that I struggle with, it's fear.  I let the fear of what could happen strangle the joy of the moment.

I'd like to find something to blame that mindset on, like advertising or the media.  But I think it's actually more simple than that.  I think it's human nature.  I think we naturally tend to fear because we can't control.  I think human nature makes us think that we will be that 1 out of 10 or that 1 out of 300,000,000.

So, am I doomed to let fear be my driving force?  Thankfully, no.

I don't think it's a coincidence that the Bible uses the phrase "do not fear" a lot!  If I truly believe there is a God (and I do) and I truly believe He loves me (and I do), then it's up to me to make the choice to not let fear be a driving force.

I can't control the circumstances but I can control how I respond.  I can't control the chances, but I can control my perspective.

So, instead of being afraid of my nightgown catching fire and burning me to death, I will instead be glad that I have a greater risk of being eaten by a California mountain lion.

And then God showed up...

It's been a long couple of years for Kevin and me.  We're still grieving over big losses from last year.  One of the adjustments we're having to make is regarding insurance.  Kevin's new job offers insurance to him but the cost of adding me is pretty astronomical.  

We sat down and looked at the whole picture and came to the conclusion that we will go without insurance and pay as we go.  I figured I've had most nonessential stuff already removed so we'll be good to go for a while.  yeah, right...  Last week, I realized that I have developed a blind spot in my center of vision.   When I look at someone's face with my right eye, the person has no nose and a unibrow!  It's scary to have your vision change so drastically like that.

My regular optometrist referred me to an opthamologist here in town.

I called......and then God showed up.....

The woman who answered the phone was so kind and gracious.  She put me at ease and set me up for an appointment that very day.   

...and then God showed up....

I got to the office and found that the kind woman who scheduled me also knew me!  She went that extra mile to make me feel comfortable.  The staff was kind and peaceful and so reassuring.

...and then God showed up....

The doctor introduced himself and I realized that his daughter was in our youth group last year!  I think a lot of her and enjoyed her and it was a nice connection to make.  The appointment showed that there was something there that a specialist needs to look at.

...and then God showed up....

The staff was so gracious.  Because we don't have insurance, we pay up front, in full.  I was given a discount for that and then another designated discount.  Then they called the specialist for me and got me in a day later.

The specialist was very nice also.  He checked and did another test and then spent some time talking with me.  The short version is that I have a hole forming at the back of my eye that creates a blind spot.  There is a chance it could go away, there is a chance it could get worse, there's a chance it will simply stay the same for a long time.  I will have to give up close work, like cross stitching and I will need to make my fonts larger, but we'll wait to see if things change before making any decision.

....and then God showed up....

I went to check out and I was told that there was no charge!  No charge for the testing, no charge for the eye dilation, no charge for the office visit with the doctor!  They gave me no reason, just sweet smiles.

....God knew how scared I was.  God knew how emotionally tired I was.  God knew I was so afraid of the costs.  God knew Kevin was worried about it all too.  And so God showed up to remind me that He already knows, He's gone before me, nothing surprises Him and He will encourage me when I look for him.

Today was a sweet day when God showed up.

Your name is engraved....

I have this really cool bracelet that I wear all the time.  And I mean all the time, 24/7.  I never take it off because I love it so much.  I had this bracelet made for me.  It's a simple silver link bracelet.  Each bar has the name of one of my grandchildren.  Added to the bracelet is a little gold square with a diamond inside.  That diamond is my original engagement diamond that Kevin gave me 37 years ago.  My original wedding set broke about 25 years ago but I cherish that diamond.  Each link is soldered together so that it's almost impossible to remove.

Whenever I feel the bracelet on my wrist, I think of my grandchildren.  Whenever I glance at my wrist, I am reminded of my grandchildren.  Whenever the light catches my diamond, I think of Kevin and our family.  It is my way of keeping my family close to my heart.

Grandson Ben is almost 3.  He loves my bracelet.  He loves to pretend to read the names. He knows where his name is located on the bracelet and he is always thrilled to see that his name is there whenever he looks for it.  He knows that his name is there because I love him and he never tires of hearing that.

I try to remember this on the days I wonder where God is.  Or the times that I think He's forgotten me.  Or when I am walking through a rough season in my life.  Or when a friend is hurting and I can't do anything to alleviate their pain.

Isaiah 49:16 says, "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands"

I need to take a lesson from Ben.  He looks for his name on my bracelet and knows that I love him.  And each time he sees his name, he is thrilled.

I need to remember that God has engraved me on the palms of His hands.  I need to take the time to look when I wonder where God is and remember that He loves me.  My name isn't going anywhere.  It's there and I never tire of hearing that.