Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Merry Christmas!

I have learned something important this year. This is the first year I haven't been as excited as the kids about Christmas. I wondered what was wrong with me for most of December.

Finally, I figured it out. After almost 30 years of marriage, I have to say that I have everything I could possibly want. I have a great hubby. I have the perfect house. I have a car that works and can tote others. I have amazing daughters. I have great sons-in-law. I have the best grandkids. I have 'adopted' kids that I adore. I have teens that I love dearly. My kids all live nearby and we all get together regularly. The kids all like each other and their kids love each other. I have wonderful friends.

My heart is so full of gratitude and love that it far outshines any 'thing' that I could get. I loved giving presents this year, as always. And I loved watching others open their presents. I enjoyed all I received and am thankful.

But I finally realized that the reason I'm not so excited is because it's like Christmas every day for me. I have so much. My heart is so full. I am so thankful.

It's a wonderful life.

Merry Christmas with love....

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Time flies

It's been a while since I posted here. I don't know if anyone reads it, but that's okay. I'm recovered from surgery and finally getting back to normal. It's been a rough year physically. Since late summer I broke my toe (not a clean break so it's taking a LONG time to heal), had major surgery, and went to the hospital with heart attack symptoms. Looking back, I am not sure how to view all that. I guess it's just part of life. Or maybe it's confirmation that I need to slow down a little. Maybe it's encouragement that I'm making the right choice to retire in August from leading the youth.

I'm looking at it as a reminder to cherish each day and remember that relationships are more important then my pride.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Tomorrow's the day

I've got the grandkids one more day today. I'll take them to pick up their other grandmother at the airport and then I'll take them all to Christy's. Kyle and Christy are going to get in from Austin and the NYWC this evening.

Then I come home and clean and then relax. Tomorrow I have to be at the hospital at 5:30am! Surgery is at 7:30. I've got 3 weeks of no youth group, no grandkids and many folks making sure I rest!

I know the yg is in very capable hands. And Dottie will be watching Christy's kids and Ally. (she's wonderful!) So, all I have to do is let myself rest. Why does that scare me a bit?

I am spending today reminding myself that God's in control. He guides the surgeon's and the anesthesiologist's hands. He guides the youth group. He doesn't need me and it's okay to rest.

repeat as needed

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

have no regrets

I just heard that the son of a dear friend was hit by a car today. The damage was so extensive to his head that there is no possibility of recovery. The family has said good-bye to him and they will be harvesting any of his organs for donation.

He is Kylene's age. It all happened so fast.

I don't ever want to miss a chance to tell people how much I love them. I don't want to get so caught up in me that I don't see those around me and realize how precious family and friends are. And how quickly they can be gone.

My heart is aching for my friend and her family. You can't make things better. You can't say just the right words to take away the pain. I will pray for her, that God will be her comfort and walk with her through this dark, dark valley.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Pre-op prep

Say that 3 times fast! Tomorrow I spend the day getting ready for surgery in a couple weeks. In the last 2 weeks I've had a root canal, crown, broken toe and major surgery is next. I think my warranties are running out!

Things have slowed down a bit and that's a good thing.

We are having a girls' sleepover here this weekend, but these girls are a joy so I'm looking forward to it.

Nice to say there's no real news about anything right now!

Monday, September 18, 2006

The voices in my head

I'm approaching the ripe old age of 49. I am adult enough to almost be considered eligible for membership in AARP! So, why do the voices from my parents from my childhood still haunt me?

I work at least 30 hrs a week for the youth group. I take care of 3 grandchildren, Monday - Friday (Christy's as needed, Kylene's full time). Even when I do youth group stuff while they're taking their naps, I'm still putting in a lot of hours each week. But I hesitate when someone asks me if I work! And I always think I'm not doing enough, either with the grandkids or with the youth.

If someone told ME they were putting in those kind of hours, I'd tell them they're working a LOT and it's okay and wise to not try to reach some impossible invisible goal. But I can't seem to say that to myself.

I still hear the echoes of my father telling me I am lazy and selfish. I was 14 at the time. What 14 year old ISN'T lazy and selfish? But he never was able to erase that because he never told me he was proud of me or that I did a good job at anything. So all I hear is that I'm still lazy and selfish.

My mother told me I had no talent with crafts. Regardless of ribbons from the Texas State Fair for my work, I still think my work isn't really that good. Those comments echo through everything I do.

I am so aware that the things we say can make a difference in someone's life - good or bad. And that parents have more power than they realize in their children's lives.

I don't know how to shut up the voices. My head knows the difference and my head knows the truth. But how do I get it down to my heart? And the weird thing is that my parents don't even have any input in my life, but I still hear those words telling me I'm not good enough.

They may always be there. Maybe they're a reminder to me to be diligent of the things I say to others. Maybe they're still there to help fuel my passion to NOT be like them.

Sometimes I wish I could quiet them for good. Today is one of those days.

Friday, September 15, 2006


The day after the leadership retreat, I had to have an emergency root canal on my tooth. Good thing they knew CPR - I thought I'd have a heart attack when they said, "that'll be $990, please"! Then I knew I'd need oxygen when they said, 'oh, by the way, you'll need a crown - it's an additional $864!!!"

Kevin was so sweet and gracious. I appreciated him so much.

The dentist said it'll hurt for 2 weeks and I'll have to eat soft foods only and chew only on the opposite side. They sure got that 'hurt' part down! I've saved my pain meds for this weekend. I'm teaching at our youth's annual Fall Retreat. We've got 46 jr hi kids coming! I'm teaching 3 lessons/sermons and it really starts hurting after a bit so I'm going to try to do it while on pain meds. Luckily, I always write my talks out so that I don't have to try to remember anything!

I don't expect much sleep this weekend either. It's going to be great, just tiring.

pretty sad that my idea of rest now comes in the form of major surgery!!!!

Monday, September 11, 2006

The week that flew by

I left last Sunday, Sept 3, for Tennessee. My sister-in-law and I were going to welcome her son, Josh, home from Iraq. She was flying from Phoenix to Memphis. I drove and met her in Memphis and then we drove up to TN to our hotel near the base.

I hadn't seen Chelli in almost 20 years. Reconnecting with her was a joy. We expected Josh to fly in on Monday... then it was delayed until Tuesday,... then Wednesday.... FINALLY, he came home on Thursday. There were 450 soldiers returning at the same time! It was pretty impressive seeing them deplane fully geared and then watching them march into the hangar. When they were dismissed to find their families, that's when we panicked! They all looked so much alike! Luckily, Josh found us first.

It was a fun time taking Josh all over to buy things he needed and missed. Then going to Outback for a huge steak! We had a suite at the hotel so that he could stay comfortably with us and he slept well that first night.

Sadly, we had to drop him off at his base early in the morning and then I had to drive Chelli back to the airport and try to drive back home before 5pm because I was in charge of our 9th graders' leadership retreat! The other couple took the kids to the camp and I stopped home long enough to repack and head out for camp. After 13 hours total in the car, I made it to camp, just an hour late.

I spent Friday night, all day Saturday and Sunday morning teaching our 9th graders about leadership. It was an intense weekend. Those kids got NO free time, unless you count midnight to 2am the last evening! But it was a good weekend. Our kids are so good to each other and really care and they're ready to go!

I crashed last night but feel good today. I think I'll go take a quick nap since I got the grandkids down at the same time!

Friday, August 25, 2006

Going to the doctor's was definitely what I needed. I can feel the difference already. There have been 2 other times that I've needed help through some rough emotional times and I'm glad I got it. It just takes me a while to finally admit I can't keep going on my own. Heck, it takes me a while to even realize I'm carrying a bigger load than I can carry. Sometimes I feel like a frog in a pan of water who is slowly boiled to death and doesn't even realize it. I can be giving out so much and not realize how empty I am until something crashes.

Maybe I can get better at recognizing the burden before I crash under the load.

Monday, August 21, 2006

First step is admitting the problem

I'm going to the doctor's today to talk about getting back on anti-depressants. I haven't been on them in a long time but I've reached a place where my emotions are over-running my thinking.

I've had to admit that I've got things on my plate that I just can't emotionally handle in a healthy way without help. It's really hitting me that it's my last year to work with jr hi kids. Each event is my last and it hurts. I don't regret my decision for a minute but I know I have to grieve so that there is no place for bitterness to take root.

I'm grieving G'ma's death. And when I felt that that relationship was being taken from me, I was shocked at the depth of pain I felt. I have to admit that I still hurt that there was so much rejection in my life growing up. In spite of being surrounded by people who love me, I grieve what I never had. And it's all bubbled up to the surface with G'ma's death.

I've done all the right things. I've chosen to get better, not bitter. I KNOW that God is my heavenly Father and I know with all my heart that He loves and accepts me. I know I have friends and family who love me. But my emotions are crashing over me like waves pounding on the shore and I can't seem to move away fast enough before another one hits me.

So I'm going to talk to the doc today. I know this is a season and I just need help walking through it.

In spite of how much God's done in my life, sometimes I struggle with jealousy because my growing up was so hard and because there are still ripples that hurt and that I still have to deal with.

All I can do is lay on my face before God and weep and let Him hold me in His arms and give me the strength to let go once again so that I can make right choices in the here and now.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Brave or Dumb?

I did something today I never thought I'd do. Kylene was my inspiration. She has wondered about family that I have that I've never met. She got me wondering again.

So today, I found a family member on MySpace. And I sent a short message. I was kind but gave an out if no contact is desired. And I didn't go into a lot of detail in case the person doesn't know I even exist.

So, there it is... now I'm left wondering if this person will contact me..... argh... I can't decide if I was brave or dumb.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006


I'm going to stop using this blog as a blog. I actually have more control over who reads my blogs over at MySpace. This will only be open so I have the ability to post to another blogger's site.

I just feel like I need to emotionally circle the wagons around me right now.

I'm at http://www.myspace.com/ruthless102 But only approved friends can read my blogs. Feel free to request to be my friend. (that doesn't sound right, but it's the correct lingo!)

About Me

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Longview, Texas
In the autumn of my life, I am very content.