I never fit into my family of origin. I remember as a kid hoping that I'd been switched at the hospital and my 'real' parents were going to come get me. I somehow knew I didn't fit. My parents tended to be quiet and pretty much kept to themselves. That was not at all me. I was loud and wanted to be part of everything going on and didn't want to sit and read. My brother was a lot like my parents. They fit. I didn't.
I don't know how much of that stemmed from the fact that I wasn't a wanted child. I was an accident and my mother told me once that if abortion had been an option, they would have chosen it. Maybe a child can sense that before he can ever put words to the feeling.
My father wrote me off over a quarter of a century ago. My mother's last words to me were, "I often wonder why God ever gave me a daughter like you." She hasn't talked to me in about 5 years.
My brother and I aren't close and rarely see each other.
It's a real mixture of emotions. I am okay to not be close to the dysfunction that defined my family of origin. But I am sad that I don't have a family that I could connect with. I'm okay that my family of origin hasn't influence my kids. But I am sad that I don't have a family that could've touched the next generation.
I guess I'm sad for what I don't have. I have grieved these losses over the years and really have come to a place of acceptance. I truly am blessed and abundantly blessed with a wonderful husband and amazing kids and grandkids. My heart overflows when I think about how God broke the chains from my past.
Maybe recognizing what is missing is a way that we learn to yearn for heaven. I don't know who from my family of origin will be there, but I do know that the relationship will be made whole. I also think that it will be a non-issue when compared to meeting my Savior face to face.
I can sing with Chris Tomlin's song:
My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace
Because of Christ, it's only a touch of sadness.
- ► 2010 (12)
- ▼ May (5)