Monday, September 18, 2006

The voices in my head

I'm approaching the ripe old age of 49. I am adult enough to almost be considered eligible for membership in AARP! So, why do the voices from my parents from my childhood still haunt me?

I work at least 30 hrs a week for the youth group. I take care of 3 grandchildren, Monday - Friday (Christy's as needed, Kylene's full time). Even when I do youth group stuff while they're taking their naps, I'm still putting in a lot of hours each week. But I hesitate when someone asks me if I work! And I always think I'm not doing enough, either with the grandkids or with the youth.

If someone told ME they were putting in those kind of hours, I'd tell them they're working a LOT and it's okay and wise to not try to reach some impossible invisible goal. But I can't seem to say that to myself.

I still hear the echoes of my father telling me I am lazy and selfish. I was 14 at the time. What 14 year old ISN'T lazy and selfish? But he never was able to erase that because he never told me he was proud of me or that I did a good job at anything. So all I hear is that I'm still lazy and selfish.

My mother told me I had no talent with crafts. Regardless of ribbons from the Texas State Fair for my work, I still think my work isn't really that good. Those comments echo through everything I do.

I am so aware that the things we say can make a difference in someone's life - good or bad. And that parents have more power than they realize in their children's lives.

I don't know how to shut up the voices. My head knows the difference and my head knows the truth. But how do I get it down to my heart? And the weird thing is that my parents don't even have any input in my life, but I still hear those words telling me I'm not good enough.

They may always be there. Maybe they're a reminder to me to be diligent of the things I say to others. Maybe they're still there to help fuel my passion to NOT be like them.

Sometimes I wish I could quiet them for good. Today is one of those days.

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About Me

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Longview, Texas
In the autumn of my life, I am very content.